Cheap trick

A Urinating,
Perspiring ,
piece of meat .

No better or worse than
a cucumber or a cockroach .

With every other animal instinct
simmering just below the skin.

This itself was fine until
some one with a weird sense of irony
decided to slap abstract thought
On top of it .

A mortal body that can grasp
the infinite and infinitesimal
and ever going zero sum game in between.

What a cheap trick !

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Hope always brought
the best and worst in men.
Sold in many Packages ,
Consumed by all.

How very ironical that
two most popular dealers
of it are religion and suicide.
Does not that tell something ?

The lure of a better bargain
at the other end of existence.
This is it.The eternal deal.
As old as the life itself.

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The Pain and disgust was still there ,
but fear of it had gone.
It was nice.
Different kind of nice.

I guess it could be sensed .
I talked in the same way though,
nice average boring talk .
The kind usually accepted and liked.

People still looked the same to me ,
A leg ,a hand ,a mouth ,a eye.
A farrago of disjointed body parts.
Moving together as if some ritual is going on.

Don’t know how people figured.
Was it the tone ,
Or the slouch of my body ?
May be it was my eyes .

Whatever it was,
They did not like it.
They did not like it a bit .
And they made it clear.

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The 70-30 theory

Every man wishes to leave a part of himself behind. At some point or other in one’s life, every one realizes the transitoriness of life and consciously or unconsciously wishes for some way in which people would remember them long after they are gone .I guess that’s why people do stuff they do. In old days, emperors used build things like pyramid. And poor guys, well what choice they had, they would produce dozens of kids hoping at least some would survive plague. These days our new age emperors, aka ‘Netas’, would also start building unnecessarily large structures with big statues of themselves like behenji is doing. And poor guys, well nothing much changed for them in all these years.

Here is what i propose to do in terms of leaving something behind long after I am gone. I would dish out here, all kinds of nonsense theories with which i used to bore people with, when i was drunk. Because a sober me is also not very proud of these theories.

The aim is two-fold. Given my dwindling social circle and resultant rare drunken rants, it would let me have a way to let all that out of my system and secondly it would be a chance to get all that stored somewhere for posterity and Alzheimer.

OK. Here we go. This one is very simple like all great theories are. It’s called 70-30 percentile theory. This one is something we have to deal with on a daily basis and knowledge of the my theory would arm you with right information to make that critical choice- Where to shit and piss in a public loo. Before you ask me to piss off, give me at least a chance to explain. I promise, you would thank me later for this.

The theory has 2 parts and each part has significance to a section of the rest room. The 70 percentile pertains to urinals and 30 percentile pertains to toilets. So the cleanest place to piss in a public rest room is the urinal at approximately 70-percentile region. If there is say 10 urinals in a row the 7th/8th one from start would be the cleanest one. Similarly the cleanest Place to shit would be the toilet located at 30-percentile region. So if there is say 10 toilets, 3rd/4th one would be cleanest.

This is based on common sense and years of unpleasant practical experience of using public restrooms. Particularly Indian restrooms. Well, the ones I have used outside the country also sucked, though on a lesser degree. They are almost always smelly, over crowded, under cleaned and depressing.

Let me explain this a little more. What I have found in general is that men while rushing to piss don’t really care for a little privacy and would just use the first one in sight. That’s the general behavior. Rush in, use the first vacant one from the door, pretend to wash your hand and rush out. But there would always be a small crowd (say 30%) who in want of a little privacy and in assumption that a possible clean urinal can be found at very end would rush to the farthest end of restroom. This leaves that sweet spot in the public urinal, the one around 70-percentile position. Free from general crowd use; staying away from clean freaks. This one would be the cleanest.

Now coming to toilets. The situation is completely different. One, people in general do not use toilets that often outside their home. Shitting outside in public restrooms is just not a comforting thought or a regular occurrence. While you can’t avoid peeing given the number of times you need to pee in a day, shitting you certainly can avoid. So people in general when use a public restroom to shit, they would try to go to the farthest corner from the door .The reason is two fold – people assume the farthest one would be cleanest and in this case general public do prefer a clean one, plus it gives them privacy by being located at the end. The main privacy they usually look for is auditory privacy, if you know what i mean! So toilets tend to be used starting from the farthest end of the restroom. But then there would always be a small crowd (again approximately 30%)who would be in a delicate situation because the night before they had binge eaten fatty, greasy, oily food that has now suddenly woken up inside in the middle of the day when they are out of home. When they somehow are able to make their way to rest room, they rush in to the first vacant one on sight. Again that leaves us the sweet spot in toilets, the one at the 30th percentile. This one would be cleanest.

Since i am done crapping now, i would stop. But before i do that one more thing. I have neither visited, nor ever been not invited to ladies rest room ever. So i have no idea if any of this would apply to that place. That species behaves in a completely different manner and so all above predictions are off the charts for them.

But then I think I can help them with some thing. You know that in most parts of semi urban or rural India, public urinals just don’t exist for female or male for that matter. But while Indian males don’t think twice before doing a stand and deliver performance wherever they want, no such luck for females. That’s why they train themselves for childhood to just stop the urge and hold it for longer periods than any man can ever imagine to do. But then there are few who just can’t do it .I used to know one fine lady few years ago who was the human equivalent of a broken pipe. I don’t know how she managed on long trips in remote parts of India .May be she never took any. Here is my tip for such people. Whenever you get the urge to pee, think of sex. Even better if you can conjure up a really elaborate set up situations that any way only female minds can think of. This does two things .One; it distracts your mind from the signals sent by your bladder. Second it confuses the body thinking it’s sexual intercourse scenario and pee signals are fake.Since clitoris and uretha are so close together ,inevitably uretha gets rubbbed and stimulated.But then body learns to ignore urge to pee during a sexual intercourse as false signals.This way you can trick both the body and mind.

I really should stop now .

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Sometimes I sit in a corner
and wonder why everything is so fuzzy in my mind.

Like a fog covered long winding road reaching no where in particular
and I am walking all alone .

It’s not that these roads scares me,
i am fucked up enough to prefer that to any damn straight one .

Or the fact that I am walking alone troubles me,
on the contrary that always seem to cheer me up.

Or the possibility that road may go no where dampens my spirit,
i am always up for anything that is not meant to end up as something.

The fear I have is someone would find out about this road.
Someone might decide to cheer the poor me by giving company.

Some other might try to straighten the road out,
get all the dangerous corners rounded to make it safe .

May be find a short cut to the nice looking trusty highways ,
So that I don’t have to take this dangerous walk.

Because “they” always feel uncomfortable,
when someone goes on these pointless walks.

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There are moments when i feel its presence
loneliness , standing next to me silently watches,
dark as a shadow it follows me around the house
as hours drag by on it’s tired feet, i give up ignoring it.

On nights of light drizzle and darkened sky,
when i watch out of my room at asphalt jungle,
looking like a giant spider spreading it’s web ,
it stands close to me , my silent companion.

In dreary summer evenings when i lay awake in my bed
thinking of days gone by, days of my innocence,
it stays beside me ,i hold on to it closely,
and it’s all enveloping silence reassures me.

I think of pointless existence and purposeful plans,
cultured talks and artificial smiles,
unaired feelings and real desperation,
false hopes and murdered dreams.

Then i see it clearly, knowing well that
this empty loneliness will remain with me.
I surrender to it completely
and at once finds at peace with myself.

PS : I guess this was around the time when i was in CA and had loads of time to try my hand at things which i am generally scared of trying. This also included cooking and the infamous accident in the apartment which literally left it’s mark ,which still was there even we left the apartment after 2 years.No kidding :). But i guess i have gotten better at cooking .Poetry ? Sadly ,not so much . But given the hopeless optimistic that i am , may be one day i will.

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Dreams again

I have a confession to make. I have this one weird habit .I know few of you who know me a little would be saying to themselves – what? Just one??? Yes, sir. I have many but lets talk about just one here. I rarely have dreams. Just does not happen to me. Only when i am deeply disturbed which is not that often. In fact I can count the number of days I have dreamt in my adult life as they are so few and far between. Also they match with the phases when i was emotionally disturbed. When i say disturbed I should make it clear that it includes both the periods when I was really excited or happy about something in my life or really worried or sad about something. But then you would say, well that is not so uncommon. What is so weird about this? There are many who just don’t have dreams. Well wait. Let me bring out the second part of this weird habit. When I dream, I dream full-length movie plots only. I am not kidding, I do. Not any particular genre that i favor in my dreams. It seems all genres are welcome in my dreams. I have thought about it but still don’t see why that should happen. Many a times i would be waking up middle of the night trying to remember the movie I just watched for free in my dreams. Sometimes I would remember bits and pieces of it after waking up; sometimes I would remember the whole thing. I would go back to my sleep and by morning i would have forgotten all about.

Well the reason i am writing about it is because it again happened two weeks back. But this time I woke up around 3:30 in night picked my iPad and wrote the damn plot down and mailed myself. Here is the screenshot of the mail.


If you don’t understand anything from the screenshot and think it does not make sense, you are correct. Yes, it does not make sense to me also. But i am sure there’s a super hit movie plot somewhere inside my mind that one day i would dream about and then wake up and write down. So i am not worried about first failed attempt to capture my movie dreams. But i am really interested in knowing what Freud would have thought about dreaming movie plots.Lastly i would leave you with the link to this lovely site – May our tribe increase.

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