Every man wishes to leave a part of himself behind. At some point or other in one’s life, every one realizes the transitoriness of life and consciously or unconsciously wishes for some way in which people would remember them long after they are gone .I guess that’s why people do stuff they do. In old days, emperors used build things like pyramid. And poor guys, well what choice they had, they would produce dozens of kids hoping at least some would survive plague. These days our new age emperors, aka ‘Netas’, would also start building unnecessarily large structures with big statues of themselves like behenji is doing. And poor guys, well nothing much changed for them in all these years.
Here is what i propose to do in terms of leaving something behind long after I am gone. I would dish out here, all kinds of nonsense theories with which i used to bore people with, when i was drunk. Because a sober me is also not very proud of these theories.
The aim is two-fold. Given my dwindling social circle and resultant rare drunken rants, it would let me have a way to let all that out of my system and secondly it would be a chance to get all that stored somewhere for posterity and Alzheimer.
OK. Here we go. This one is very simple like all great theories are. It’s called 70-30 percentile theory. This one is something we have to deal with on a daily basis and knowledge of the my theory would arm you with right information to make that critical choice- Where to shit and piss in a public loo. Before you ask me to piss off, give me at least a chance to explain. I promise, you would thank me later for this.
The theory has 2 parts and each part has significance to a section of the rest room. The 70 percentile pertains to urinals and 30 percentile pertains to toilets. So the cleanest place to piss in a public rest room is the urinal at approximately 70-percentile region. If there is say 10 urinals in a row the 7th/8th one from start would be the cleanest one. Similarly the cleanest Place to shit would be the toilet located at 30-percentile region. So if there is say 10 toilets, 3rd/4th one would be cleanest.
This is based on common sense and years of unpleasant practical experience of using public restrooms. Particularly Indian restrooms. Well, the ones I have used outside the country also sucked, though on a lesser degree. They are almost always smelly, over crowded, under cleaned and depressing.
Let me explain this a little more. What I have found in general is that men while rushing to piss don’t really care for a little privacy and would just use the first one in sight. That’s the general behavior. Rush in, use the first vacant one from the door, pretend to wash your hand and rush out. But there would always be a small crowd (say 30%) who in want of a little privacy and in assumption that a possible clean urinal can be found at very end would rush to the farthest end of restroom. This leaves that sweet spot in the public urinal, the one around 70-percentile position. Free from general crowd use; staying away from clean freaks. This one would be the cleanest.
Now coming to toilets. The situation is completely different. One, people in general do not use toilets that often outside their home. Shitting outside in public restrooms is just not a comforting thought or a regular occurrence. While you can’t avoid peeing given the number of times you need to pee in a day, shitting you certainly can avoid. So people in general when use a public restroom to shit, they would try to go to the farthest corner from the door .The reason is two fold – people assume the farthest one would be cleanest and in this case general public do prefer a clean one, plus it gives them privacy by being located at the end. The main privacy they usually look for is auditory privacy, if you know what i mean! So toilets tend to be used starting from the farthest end of the restroom. But then there would always be a small crowd (again approximately 30%)who would be in a delicate situation because the night before they had binge eaten fatty, greasy, oily food that has now suddenly woken up inside in the middle of the day when they are out of home. When they somehow are able to make their way to rest room, they rush in to the first vacant one on sight. Again that leaves us the sweet spot in toilets, the one at the 30th percentile. This one would be cleanest.
Since i am done crapping now, i would stop. But before i do that one more thing. I have neither visited, nor ever been not invited to ladies rest room ever. So i have no idea if any of this would apply to that place. That species behaves in a completely different manner and so all above predictions are off the charts for them.
But then I think I can help them with some thing. You know that in most parts of semi urban or rural India, public urinals just don’t exist for female or male for that matter. But while Indian males don’t think twice before doing a stand and deliver performance wherever they want, no such luck for females. That’s why they train themselves for childhood to just stop the urge and hold it for longer periods than any man can ever imagine to do. But then there are few who just can’t do it .I used to know one fine lady few years ago who was the human equivalent of a broken pipe. I don’t know how she managed on long trips in remote parts of India .May be she never took any. Here is my tip for such people. Whenever you get the urge to pee, think of sex. Even better if you can conjure up a really elaborate set up situations that any way only female minds can think of. This does two things .One; it distracts your mind from the signals sent by your bladder. Second it confuses the body thinking it’s sexual intercourse scenario and pee signals are fake.Since clitoris and uretha are so close together ,inevitably uretha gets rubbbed and stimulated.But then body learns to ignore urge to pee during a sexual intercourse as false signals.This way you can trick both the body and mind.
I really should stop now .